say you won't care.

I'm not who I used to be. If anything, I'm exactly the opposite. I look back and see the person I used to be and wonder how I survived eighteen years of denying myself any sort of happiness. All the time I wasted will never come back to me. Now, I see myself, my life, in a completely different light. I am not just a physical being with a functioning heart and brain, but a soul, a presence that can have some effect on my own world. What about the future? That's something I'm not so certain about. I know what I want; happiness, love, success, etc. But to what degree do I want these things? Do I want to spend my life with someone without and legal documentation, or do the "normal" thing and get married? Will I have children? Am I really going to be a teacher like I want to be? These questions plague my thoughts daily, constricting my mind and chest making it hard to breathe.

I wish everyone wouldn't worry about me so much. I wish they would really mean it when they tell me to live my life for myself and be happy. What if I am happy with the way I live my life? From the outside looking in, it might seem a little repetitive or outrageous. But on the inside, it's the way I've always wanted to live: careless and free, alive and well. I've met these amazing people who are so full of life and love, and I want to spend every second with them. They accept me for the person I am, good or bad.

Kari has been with me almost every day for the past six or so weeks, and I can say that I do love her, which can be taken in any context the reader wants to take it. We understand each other in a way that is hard to find in another person. She finishes my sentences, we get the same songs stuck in our heads at the same time. We're an unstoppable force.

Sometimes I feel infinite.