let's be honest,

we both knew it wouldn't work. what i hate most is that i lost you to someone who treats you like you're some kind of toy, like you're just another object in his ever expanding collection of things that make him temporarily happy. i know it was over the week i went to stay with you. seeing you two together, so happy, made my heart sink to a new low. we'd had the same conversation several times in those couple days i was there. i would tell you that it was getting harder for us to be together when he was so obviously upset about having to share you with someone else. and in retrospect, i understood where he was coming from. i didn't want to share you, either. i know he makes you happy, so it was easy for me to let you go. but i didn't fully. i still want things to be the way they were. but i don't want to complicate things for you. so i'm still on my seemingly never ending search for the one who will steal my heart like he stole yours. you're still my best friend, and that's what is most important to me. but i'll never forget what we had, even if it was only for a short period of time. it was the best time i've ever had.

if i could be anything, i'd be yours.

i've never wanted something so badly in my whole life. i wish i could take away all of your worries. i wish telling you that i won't hurt you was enough for you to want this as bad as i do...

you.

nostalgia sets in...

i miss the way we used to be. i miss the times when we would sit side by side, holding hands because that's what we both needed. i miss when you were always there. i miss the rides home. i miss your smile. i miss you. now you're just another stranger, just another person i've hurt over time. its a wonder you ever wanted anything to do with me after all the hurt i caused you. all i need is just a "hello" or something to stop the hurt. you were the person i could count on the most. now you're just a memory.

i hate the way i treated you. like something i could just throw away when i was done, then pick back up when i needed a shoulder to cry on. you became my best friend, but i know i was never yours. i was hardly a friend at all. if i could go back and fix all the mistakes i've made in my life, the one i made with you would be the first one i'd repair. i'd grown so used to you coming back. now it hurts that you've finally realized that there are better.

i wish i would have loved you the way you wanted me to. things could have been so different. who knows, i could have been happy. i never want you to feel like you weren't enough, because you were. you still are. you're more than enough. you're a better person than i am. you stick around for the long run. i just wish i could have loved you.

i felt free

why do we always let the people who hurt us the most back into our lives?

i have made the same mistakes constantly, always reverting back to my old ways with certain people. maybe it's because i feel "safe" in those relationships. but that wouldn't make any sense at all, seeing as those people were the ones who broke my heart. i wish those people could see what they've done to me. as if they'd really care.

i'm tired of the meaningless little flings. i want something real, something to hold on to. if there's happiness in love for everyone, why can't i have mine?

say you won't care.

I'm not who I used to be. If anything, I'm exactly the opposite. I look back and see the person I used to be and wonder how I survived eighteen years of denying myself any sort of happiness. All the time I wasted will never come back to me. Now, I see myself, my life, in a completely different light. I am not just a physical being with a functioning heart and brain, but a soul, a presence that can have some effect on my own world. What about the future? That's something I'm not so certain about. I know what I want; happiness, love, success, etc. But to what degree do I want these things? Do I want to spend my life with someone without and legal documentation, or do the "normal" thing and get married? Will I have children? Am I really going to be a teacher like I want to be? These questions plague my thoughts daily, constricting my mind and chest making it hard to breathe.

I wish everyone wouldn't worry about me so much. I wish they would really mean it when they tell me to live my life for myself and be happy. What if I am happy with the way I live my life? From the outside looking in, it might seem a little repetitive or outrageous. But on the inside, it's the way I've always wanted to live: careless and free, alive and well. I've met these amazing people who are so full of life and love, and I want to spend every second with them. They accept me for the person I am, good or bad.

Kari has been with me almost every day for the past six or so weeks, and I can say that I do love her, which can be taken in any context the reader wants to take it. We understand each other in a way that is hard to find in another person. She finishes my sentences, we get the same songs stuck in our heads at the same time. We're an unstoppable force.

Sometimes I feel infinite.

i know i'm not the first or last, but won't you let me be the next?

i can't help but to be jealous of the ones before. this feeling comes far too often and fast, the pain setting in before anything even begins. i know you'll only break my heart. i know things will come between us. i know we'll fight, even resent each other for things said and done after months of long nights spent high and alive. i know these things to be true because they're the things that have ruined the love i've seen before. i've taken chances, jumped and fallen, gotten battered and bruised. but if i know myself, i know that my heart can always take a little more damage, and i know that i want that damage to come from you, and no one else.


all a person wants is to love and be loved in return.

Day One

This blog is for myself, really, but it's open for anyone else who wants to know the goings on in my life. There will be a lot of truths, triumphs, failures, tears, and laughs involved. I won't hold back any details or feelings, promise :)